F*cking Awkward
A Romantic Comedy Anthology
— BLURB --
Romance done right is full of beautiful and awe-inspiring sex, where the only noises are gasps of pleasure, and changes of position happen smoothly and effortlessly. But what happens when it all goes wrong?
This collection of short stories will bring you back to the real world, where you laugh to keep from crying, because sometimes, it's just F*cking Awkward!
— AUTHORS —
Taryn Plendl
A.D. Justice
Ahren Sanders
Aly Martinez
Amanda Maxlyn
B.A. Wolfe
Brooke Blaine
Brooke Page
Carey Heywood
Christine Zolendz
CM Foss
Dina Littner
Ella Frank
Heather C. Leigh
HJ Bellus
K. Langston
Laura Ward
Lex Martin
Liv Morris
Mel Ballew
RE Hunter
Stacy Kestwick
Tiffany Aleman
Trudy Stiles
— PURCHASE for only 99CENTS --
All profits from digital sales will be going to The Bookworm Box to distribute to their monthly charity!
Dear reader:
Congratulations on purchasing the Awkward Sex Anthology! A bunch of amazing authors in a group called FTN (We could tell you what this means, but then we'd have to kill you) got together to write the most awkward sex scenes you could imagine, all for charity. You might be thinking to yourself, "I can't believe I just bought a book called F*cking Awkward" and I'm here to tell you, it's much better than the titles that were rejected:
F*cking Toasters
F*cking Goats
F*cking a Box of Captain Crunch
F*cking a T-Rex While Playing the Trumpet
F*cking My Best Friend's Neighbor's Stepsister's Starbucks Manager While Wearing a Toga
F*cking a Toga
I'm just kidding! Nobody wrote a story about f*cking a goat! It was a wombat, actually, and no one pressed charges, so it's fine. The author is fine, the wombat is fine, EVERYONE IS FINE AND I DIDN'T NEED THERAPY SO STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.
Did you know that six out of every seven people in the entire world have experienced an awkward sexual encounter? It's true. I've done extensive research. And by extensive, I mean I did a poll of all the adults in my house - 2 dogs, 3 cats, and my husband and I. I'm pretty sure my dog Fat Ralph was lying when he told me he'd never experienced anything awkward during sex, but he had his nuts cut off when he was six weeks old and is still quite bitter about the whole thing and threatens me with a dog bone shank whenever we chat about sex, so I think it's 4 best if I stop questioning him about the time I found him in the backyard with a jar of peanut butter, two frogs and the neighbor's cat wearing pasties.
The cat was the one wearing pasties, FYI, not Fat Ralph. That would just be weird.
So, grab some booze, sit back, and enjoy these hilariously awkward sex scenes. Give yourself a pat on the back for purchasing a book for charity and another one for never experiencing something as crazy as what you're about to read. Unless you have. In that case, it's okay to cry and rock back and forth in the corner screaming, "IT WAS ONLY THAT ONE TIME AND I HAD NO IDEA I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO PUT THAT CUCUMBER THERE!" Six out of seven of us totally understand. Except for Fat Ralph. He's totally judging you right now.
XO Tara Sivec
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Skin and Bones
Goodreads / Amazon / Barnes & Noble EXCERPT: They left the station and made the short journey to his car. Again, he opened the door for her, and she slid in with an easy smile. He rounded the car and slipped into the driver’s side. Derek started the engine and reversed, edging the car out of the parking spot before he snuck a peek at Ever. Her eyes were closed, and the faint sound of her breathing was all he heard as Ever fell asleep beside him. He had no idea where she lived, and he was loathe to wake her. Home, take home, the wolf spoke to him, projecting his thoughts into Derek’s human mind. With little option left, he drove the car to his house close to the airport and parked. Getting out of the car, he went around, opened the passenger door, and very carefully hoisted Ever up into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. His wolf howled its approval as the soft heat of her breath danced on his neck. He shuddered under the intense feeling of pleasure that rippled through him, instantly feeling guilty because of the horrors the poor teens had been subjected to. But as Ever’s breathing deepened and dusk began to settle on the city, Derek strode into his house, startled by a stunning realization. This woman in his arms called to him on a most primal level and captivated both man and wolf.
GIVEAWAY! Rebel
Goodreads / Amazon / iBooks / GooglePlay / Kobo FREE! For a limited time only! -- EXCERPT: My name’s Teagan. I know, I know … the name. Twenty-two years ago, my mother thought a Welsh name for her only child would be beautiful. Teagan means pretty, so it should have fit perfectly. Who has an ugly baby, right? I guess I did okay in the looks department. I’m not too short, not too tall. Eating chips and gummy bears every day has no effect on my somewhat athletic frame, and I’ve been told my green eyes compliment my pale complexion. The problem with the name Teagan is my mom never considered the creative names kids would morph it into. “Yo, Teabag, what’s up?” I flip Perry Spitler off, but he just laughs as he passes on by. He and I have an understanding; when we see each other on campus, he insults me, I flip him off, and we never actually talk. It suits us both just fine. Making out with him and then ralphing on his shoes in freshman year was one of the best moves I’ve ever made in my climb up the social ladder at UCLA. “Why do you even talk to that douche canoe?” asks my friend Quin as she brushes out her long, black hair. Quinlan is her real name, but she refuses to answer to it. We both have a thing with names, which is only one of the many reasons we get along so well. “I hear he puts toy cars in dark places on weekends.” She puts away her brush and takes a bite of an energy bar, chewing it like a cow and waiting for my reaction. I’m both intrigued and disgusted. “And by toy cars and dark places we mean…” I twist my longish, wavy brown hair up into a bun and stick a pencil in it to keep it from falling to my shoulders again. It’s frigging hot out here in the student union today. Dry heat, my butt. “Literally. Like that movie Jackass. He put a toy car in his asshole at a party the other night.” I snort in disbelief and disgust. “He did not.” Quin puts up her hand like a girl scout. “Swear. Guy’s an asscar driver.” I’m really happy I barfed on him now. Really, really happy. The kiss we shared? Well, we’ll just tally that up to a serious lapse in judgment on my part. In my defense, there were copious amounts of beer involved. I can’t help but stare at his butt as he goes by. “Remind me not to accept any rides from him in the future.” We collapse in immature giggles that have Perry turning around and frowning. Watching his face and imagining that I can see he’s walking with a slight limp only makes it worse. By the time I can see clearly again, he’s gone. “Man, I totally needed that.” I can feel the good mood drugs floating around in my brain. Now the upcoming Summer of Doom doesn’t seem quite so bleak. “You ready for summer break?” Quin asks, crumpling up the wrapper to her energy bar and throwing it on the ground. I lean down and pick it up, sighing as I stick it in my bag. This is her thing. This is my thing. This is how we roll, with her being a pain in the ass and me picking up after her. “No. I’m not ready. I want to stay here and hang out with you and all the cool people.” “No, you don’t. Do you know how hot it gets here in the summer? Ugh.” She brushes crumbs off her lap. “I am going to literally cook in my own skin, like a poached egg.” “You forget, I’ve lived here for almost four years now, and No Cal isn’t that different.” “But you always leave in the summer, and No Cal is different, so that doesn’t count. By the time you get back this September for your very last semester – by the way, you completely suck for graduating before me – all the poaching will be done.” “You should come with me. Silicon Valley’s got a drier heat than LA.” I’m lying, but she’ll never know. She faces me, not smiling. That’s a rare expression for her, as Quin-grins come frequently and often without provocation. We’re not much alike in that way; my smiles are rationed for only truly happy moments. “You should invite me, and maybe I would,” she says. “I always invite you.” “No, you don’t. You just say, ‘You should come.’ That’s not the same thing.” “What do you want, an engraved invitation?” A tiny spark of hope glimmers in my chest. Summer would only suck half as much if Quin were with me back at my father’s place. “Yes. That would work.” She sniffs and looks off into the distance. “I’ll seriously do it, if that’s what it would take to finally get you up there.” “No, don’t bother. I can’t go.” “Why? Because LA’s social scene would never survive without you?” “No.” She stands, brushing off her legs. “Come on, we’re going to be late.” “Late for what? My classes were all done as of twenty minutes ago.” “I have an appointment with a milkshake over at McDonald’s House of Horrors. Come on. Your treat.” We begin the long walk across campus. “I’ll pay for your ticket,” I say, testing the waters. I don’t know why I bother, though. “Nope. I pay my own way.” “Do you have the money?” “No. You know I’m broke.” Quin is always broke. She lives off the kindness of others and a scholarship. I’m not even sure what the scholarship is for. Do they give scholarships for being a smartass? Because if they do, she qualifies for a full ride. “Then let me pay,” I say. “No.” “You can pay me back.” “No.” I try a different tack. “It’s because you don’t like me, I know. Admit it.” “No, that’s not it, and if you try and guilt me into doing it, we won’t be friends anymore.” “That’s a lie.” “Yes, it is, but still … I won’t let you pay.” I give her my puppy dog eyes. “I’m going to be desperately lonely.” “No, you won’t be. You’ll have a bodyguard babysitter.” I sigh. “They always suck.” “That last one didn’t.” “The last one was like forty years old!” “So? What do you want to do? Fuck them or just have them take a bullet for you?” “Can’t I do both?” We laugh, knowing I’m full of crap. I actually liked the last guy assigned to babysit me, the guy being paid to assuage my father’s paranoia. He actually believes there are people in silicon valley trolling the neighborhoods for executives’ kids, since according to him they’d make really excellent kidnapping targets. Jim was the name of my last babysitter. Maybe I’ll get him again and we can play chess all summer like we did last year. I’ve never slept with one of my dad’s employees. They’re always married, ugly, old, or a trifecta of all three. Besides, my dad would kill us both if I did something that stupid. We don’t fraternize with the help. That’s what my uber arrogant step-mother says, anyway, although I’m not so sure she hasn’t put that rule to the side from time to time with the pool boy. Seriously … I’m not kidding. The pool boy. “What are you thinking about right now?” Quin asks me. “I.O.U. for your thoughts.” “I’m thinking how much I hate The Heinous One for being such a bag of dicks.” Quin smiles. “I’m really looking forward to meeting your step-mother at graduation, you know that? I’m totally going to call her that to her face.” I smile back. “Me too. Some day.” When I find a way to support myself and don’t have to worry about my father cutting me off.
GIVEAWAY! About the BookAuthor: Stacy Hall Genre: Fantasy The Sanctioned Realm is being hijacked by a cruel and power-hungry king. King Zaranth isn’t like other Touched humans who can command animals, plant life, or the ancient elements. His Death Touched ability not only yields him virtually indestructible, but gives him power over the minds of humans he chooses. He’s using his involuntary servants to seize the realm and shape it to his own crushing desires. After Vandara Datore witnesses King Zaranth murder her beloved sister, she vows revenge. She partners with a group of Touched vigilantes called the Fist, who are committed to ending King Zaranth’s rule. As an unlikely sword master with magical abilities to control plant life, Van becomes the Fist’s favorite weapon. While in search of the King’s right-hand witch, Van believes she’s closer than ever to gaining her revenge. However, she’s about to discover that her enemies are not who she thinks they are… and neither are her friends. Author BioStacy Hall is the author of the Sanctioned Realm series and has had flash fiction published at Flash Fiction Magazine and 101 Words. In her free time she enjoys sewing and all things crafty. Linkshttp://www.sanctionedrealm.com/ Buy on Amazon. I plunder the sea, steal what I can, and never look back. It’s a pirate captain’s life for me. When my crew and I discover a destroyed ship floating on the endless waves, we scavenge it for every scrap of cloth and every morsel of food. Inside, I find a treasure—gold, gems, and a girl. I’ll ravage the girl, spend the gold, and use the gem to buy the ship of my dreams—the Gloomy Lotus. At least that’s the plan—until the Kraken, a whirlpool, and a six-headed beast attack my ship. Despite the danger, I still intend to have my way with the girl. Nothing can stop me. I’m Cash Remington, and I take what I want. Content Warning: This swashbuckling standalone tale stars an alpha male who takes what he wants. It's full of sex and violence. It's an erotic adventure, not a romance, and is not "safe." If you're cool with these caveats, enjoy! I wake when the air in the room shifts. I crack my eyes open. Nere kneels beside the bed and slowly lifts the mattress. She’s after the stone. Little minx. The sun shines in her hair, the light strands almost silver. I add in a snore so she’ll think I’m still out. A secret smile plays across her pink lips, and she reaches farther underneath me. In one swift movement, I yank her up and toss her onto the bed next to me. She readies to scream, so I slap a hand over her mouth. I climb on top of her nude body and pin her wrists over her head with one hand. I push one knee between hers, though she tries to clamp her legs together. No chance. I’m far too strong to be denied. I settle between her legs, and I hiss when my cock rests against her hot pussy, only the fabric of my pants separating me from her. “A thief?” I glare into her light eyes. She doesn’t flinch. “Keep it quiet or I’ll smack you.” I peel my hand from her lips and run it down her side. Her skin is like silk, smooth and warm. “Get off me.” Her eyes narrow. “No.” I tighten my grip on her wrists and run my hand beneath her, getting a palm-full of her ass. “All I want is my stone. Then I’ll go, and you’ll never see me again.” I knead her flesh, my fingers creeping close to her pussy. “It’s my stone.” “You stole it!” I lean down and graze my lips across hers. “I’m a pirate.” “It’s mine. I’ll get it one way or another.” She glares up at me in challenge, and now I know I have to fuck her. The spirited ones always get to me. “It seems we’re in a situation. One where I want something, and you want something.” I smirk at her, and her eyes flicker to my lips. “What do you want?” I thrust my hips against her. “As if you need to ask.” She presses her lips into a thin line and glowers at me. “No.” “Then I guess I’ll take the gem and go. And then you’ll never see me again.” I release her hands and lean away from her. My heart pounds, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I’m toying with her. She’s going to take every inch of me before we leave this room. “Wait.” She places one of her small hands on my thigh. “If I let you have what you want…” She glances away. “Then you’ll give me the stone?” No. “Yes.” “I have your word?” Her eyes sparkle in the noonday sun pouring through the glassless window. “Of course.” As if the word of a pirate is worth anything.
Celia Aaron is the self-publishing pseudonym of a published romance and erotica author. She loves to write stories with hot heroes and heroines that are twisty and often dark. Thanks for reading.
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Halfway Hunted
(Halfway Witchy Series #3)
by Terry Maggert
Blurb:
Some Prey Bites Back.
Welcome to Halfway; where the waffles are golden, the moon is silver, and magic is just around every corner.
A century old curse is broken, releasing Exit Wainwright, an innocent man trapped alone in time.
Lost and in danger, he enlists Carlie, Gran, and their magic to find the warlock who sentenced him to a hundred years of darkness. The hunter becomes the hunted when Carlie's spells awaken a cold-blooded killer intent on adding another pelt to their gruesome collection: hers.
But the killer has never been to Halfway before, where there are three unbreakable rules:
1. Don't complain about the diner's waffles.
2. Don't break the laws of magic.
3. Never threaten a witch on her home turf.
Can Carlie solve an ancient crime, defeat a ruthless killer and save the love of her life from a vampire's curse without burning the waffles?
Come hunt with Carlie, and answer the call of the wild.
Available for purchase at
Excerpt
Halfway Witchy Series
Halfway Dead
(Halfway Witchy Series #1)
Halfway Bitten
(Halfway Witchy Series #2)
Available for purchase at
About The Author
Born in 1968, I discovered fishing shortly after walking, a boon, considering I lived in South Florida. After a brief move to Kentucky, my family trekked back to the Sunshine State. I had the good fortune to attend high school in idyllic upstate New York, where I learned about a mythical substance known as "Seasons". After two or three failed attempts at college, I bought a bar. That was fun because I love beer, but, then, I eventually met someone smarter than me (a common event), and, in this case, she married me and convinced me to go back to school--which I did, with enthusiasm. I earned a Master's Degree in History and rediscovered my love for writing. My novels explore dark fantasy, immortality, and the nature of love as we know it. I live near Nashville, Tennessee, with the aforementioned wife, son, and herd, and, when I'm not writing, I teach history, grow wildly enthusiastic tomato plants, and restore my 1967 Mustang.
You can find Terry at
Giveaway
Presented By
Halfway Hunted
Goodreads / Amazon / Barnes & Noble EXCERPT: There were only two reasons for me to be awake on my couch, staring up into the gloom of the pre-dawn hours. The first is my house itself, which complained against the deep cold with creaking pops like the knees of a guy who played sports a long time ago when he was younger and had more hair. The second was Wulfric. My lover was out there in the Adirondack winter somewhere, his vampire skin now as cold as the deep snows that settled on Halfway with a heavy hand. I missed him every second of every day with an ache that started in my heart and ended in the emptiness of my arms. Living without him was like swimming through wool that took my breath and will at every turn. Everything was hard. Little things made me sad. Smiles died on my face and I knew if I didn’t find the magic to save him, moving on was going to take the rest of my life and all of my tears. In the midst of my somber reverie, my giant familiar Gus put one of his Maine Coon cat paws on my shoulder. His rumbling purr calmed my mind enough that I sighed and began absently rubbing the magnificent fur of his Tabby neck. “Brrrrtt?” He asked me, his bronze eyes fixed on me like two coals floating in the dark. “I miss him. Sorry. I know I should sleep. Or listen for spell requests . . . or do anything except lay here having a pity party.” Gus answered with a head butt and an even deeper bumble of contented reassurance. He stretched along me from hip to head and I was reminded again that my cat is nearly as tall as I am. Or he would be, if cats could walk upright, but he doesn’t because that would be weird. I felt a small grin touch my cheeks and let it bloom, then looked across the room to the kitchen. There, I saw another friend who was always near. Even in the heart of a mountain winter, the moon always finds a way to touch me. Laying on my couch in the middle of a frigid night, I watch the square of moonlight light dance across my kitchen floor like the slowest ballet possible. The brilliant smudge of light comforts me, telling me that no matter how short the days and how deep the snows, sunshine will use the face of sister moon to reach across the dark and set my spirits to right. So I watch, and I wait. I listen for the telltale creak of my mail slot, an old brass hinge that swings inward when someone needs me. Or, to be more accurate, they need my magic. When the moon is high, I spend my nights listening for the telltale footsteps on my porch. Those are followed by a hesitation as the person decides if they can go through with their request—they always do—and then I wait a bit longer. It’s understood that to ask for my family magic, you must write a note in natural ink, then fold the note within an envelope that is hand made. Hand crafting invests meaning into something as simple as a note, and the poignant pleas I get range from simple to impossible. But I always try. Tonight, there was no slide of an envelope on the floor of my foyer. Perhaps it was too cold, although Adirondackers are tough people. A few feet of snow and subzero temperatures wouldn’t stop a local person from asking for help if they needed it, which meant that at least or tonight, my town was free of unusual heartache. In witch parlance, the night was clean. Spirits were at rest, and after casting a final wish across the snowdrifts to Wulfric, so was I. Before dawn’s gray could pierce the low clouds covering the mountains, my eyes grew heavy, I let the sadness leave me, and then, when there was nothing else to fight, I slept.
GIVEAWAY! This is my stop during the book blitz for Ella's Twisted Senior Year by Amy Sparling. This book blitz is organized by Lola's Blog Tours. The book blitz runs from 31 May till 6 June, you can view the blitz schedule here. Ella's Twisted Senior Year By Amy Sparling Genre: Contemporary Romance Age category: Young Adult Release Date: May 31, 2016 Blurb: Having spent most of her senior year flying under the radar, the last thing Ella Lockhart expected was to have a tornado rip straight through her house, leaving her homeless. It’s bad enough that the whole school now pities her, but did her parents have to let the neighbors take them in? You can find Ella's Twisted Senior Year on Goodreads You can buy Ella's Twisted Senior Year here: - Amazon - Amazon UK - Amazon Australia About the Author: Amy Sparling is the author of The Summer Unplugged Series, Deadbeat & other awesome books for younger teens. She lives in Texas and has an addiction to sparkly nail polish, taking photos of her cute dog, and swooning over book boyfriends. You can find and contact Amy here: - Website - Goodreads There is a book blitz wide giveaway for the book blitz of Ella's Twisted Senior Year. These are the prizes you can win: - a $10 Amazon gift card (Open internationally) - a signed paperback of Ella's Twisted Senior Year by Amy Sparling (USA only) For a chance to win, enter the rafflecopter below: a Rafflecopter giveaway
Title: On Her Six
Series: An Under Covers Novel
Author: Christina Elle
Genre: Contemporary Romance Suspense
New neighbors are bad news in Samantha Harper’s experience. Especially ones as suspicious and brooding as the guy who just moved in next door. So when the dangerous but sexy stranger seems to be involved in something illegal—the aspiring cop in her takes action. If only she could stop thinking about how he looks naked...
All DEA agent Ash Cooper wants to do is lay low and survive this crap surveillance assignment. But after a run-in with his attractive neighbor, he realizes that’s going to be much harder than he planned. Keeping the woman out of trouble is hard enough, but keeping his hands off her is near impossible.
"A truly awesome read! The perfect blend of humor, suspense, action, and romance. This is a book I highly recommend!" -Bette @ NetGalley "I have to say, I have not read a book with this much humor in it in a long time and it was so refreshing and enjoyable. Christina Elle has done an awesome job of mixing romance, suspense and humor all together. You will not be upset that you decided to read this one!!" -Melanie @ NetGalley "Refreshing, funny, sweet, and sexy- On Her Six has it all!!! I highly recommend this steaming suspense." -Page Turner @ NetGalley
He was done. He could take caning across his bare back or bamboo under his fingernails, but he sure as hell didn’t stand a chance against this kind of torture. A man’s resolve was only so strong against a woman like Sam. Telling his subconscious to take a hike, he hitched her leg over his lap. She drew a quick breath, but then settled astride him as if her body was made to fit his. Her legs cradled his thighs, and the center of her heat married flawlessly over his growing erection.
Imagining what it would feel like to be buried deep inside her, he shifted to encourage more friction. Her body went rigid, her spine as straight as a damn board, then she relaxed and trailed her hands along every piece of his available skin. Up under his sleeve to his biceps, where she squeezed the muscles; across his chest and stomach; his back.
The impression of her touch lasted even after her hands moved on to their next location. His shirt was off in seconds, and he was doing his damnedest to remove hers just as quickly. Would she be upset if he ripped it from her body? It was a mere scrap of fabric anyway.
Christina believes that laughter really is the best medicine, which is why in her stories she blends a healthy dose of hilarious hijinks with gritty suspense.
When she’s not writing fun contemporary romance or quirky romantic suspense, Christina can be found devouring books in every genre, watching Chris Hemsworth on TV, playing board games with her family, working out, watching Chris Hemsworth on TV, napping, watching Chris Hemsworth on TV, and shopping…for Chris Hemsworth’s latest DVD. She lives near Baltimore with her husband and two sons, who give her an endless supply of humorous material to write about. She is a member of Romance Writers of America and Maryland Romance Writers. She is represented by Margarget Bail at Inklings Literary Agency.
She loves hearing from friends and followers, so feel free to send her an email or connect through social media.
Hold You Against Me
Goodreads / Amazon / Barnes & Noble / iBooks / Kobo / Google Play / All Romance EXCERPT: Something moves me gently, constant and rhythmic like waves. I’m warm. There’s something soft curling around my arms, wrapped inside my fists. Padding beneath my cheek that smells like home. An unnatural darkness weighs down on me, keeping me from waking up—a demon’s whisper in my ear. You’re warm, you’re safe. Sleep. I remember falling asleep, so suddenly, remember drinking water that I hadn’t filled. And I remember the phone call from Amy telling me that Giovanni’s alive. Impossible. Awareness pricks my skin like a cold breeze. Wherever I am, I’m not alone. I blink rapidly, forcing my eyes open. They adjust to the darkness quickly, taking in the tinted windows on either side and the wide leather bench curving beneath me. I’m in a car. A limo, to be exact. And it’s moving. On the opposite side of the long space, a large body reclines. I can see the wide stance of his legs, the pale white of his shirt. A suit jacket tossed beside his hip. His face is hidden in the shadows of the vehicle. I was raised by the head of the Las Vegas mafia, the capo. I grew up around guns and violence, so I know when a man is armed. It’s the way he holds himself, the warning shimmering around him like a dark halo. This man is armed and extremely dangerous. Every muscle in my body tenses. My mind still swims in thick water, because I must have been drugged. He drugged me, this faceless man. Why did he take me? It won’t be anything good, that’s for sure. Even worse, I suspect this has something to do with my past, with my family. It’s messed up that I’d rather be taken by some random psycho. But at least then I’d have a chance of getting away. “Who are you?” I demand, my voice hoarse from whatever drugs they gave me. There’s a long pause, the weight of his regard as heavy as a finger trailing down my neck. “Have I really changed that much, bella, that you don’t recognize me?”
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